November 6, 2014
1. Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts.
2. What does CPA stand for? Can’t Pass Again.
3. It’s accrual world.
4. It’s 4:04. Do you know where your auditor is?
5. Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.
6. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
7. How do you know you have a great CPA? He has a tax loophole named after him.
8. What do you call an accountant with an opinion? An auditor.
9. An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
10. Why did the accountant cross the road? Because she looked in the files and did what they did last year.
11. How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
12. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.
13. Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.
14. Be audit you can be.
15. What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.? Lazy.
16. What do you call a trial balance that doesn’t balance? A late night.
17. An economist is someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.
18. Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.
19. What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he’s boring.
20. What do you call a group financial controller who’s lost his job? Bob.
21. How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
22. There are just two rules for creating a successful accountancy business: 1. Don’t tell them everything you know. 2. [Redacted]
23. What’s an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humor.
24. What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.
25. Four Laws of Accounting:
1. Trial balances don’t.
2. Bank reconciliations never do.
3. Working capital does not.
4. Return on investments never will.